what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
