You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
