her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
