Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
