is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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