Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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