Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
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