I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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