Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
