i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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