i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
