if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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