they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
