Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
