This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
