I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
