I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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