bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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