I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
