I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
