I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
