apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize