there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
