I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
