my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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