Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
