hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
