Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
