Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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