those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
