Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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