I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
