Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
