I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
