I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
