if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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