david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
