Betty ford says i'm here all night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
