Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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