mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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