so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
