You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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