remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
