When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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