i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
vagina is talking i cant
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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