you traded sex for a burrito?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
