We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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