I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
