Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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