Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
